My Year of Jubilee – Uncertainty. Unexpectedness.

Posted by on Nov 12, 2013 in My Year of Jubilee | 0 comments

Uncertainty. Unexpectedness. These states tend to sound like the negative version of something more favorable. With that sinister “un” hanging out in front of them, they appear to make a TOP 10 UNWANTED LIST that includes words like unloved and unhappy. 

Uncertainty. Unexpectedness. For most of my life, both of those words pointed to a lack of something. They would roll in like fog, striking fear instantly as it became difficult to see the path. I experienced a decidedly unsettled feeling about the inability to properly anticipate and regulate a situation.

Uncertainty. Unexpectedness. I notice how both of these states get into my space and want to dance with me on this trip. I know them immediately. There’s a void in the information flow. I don’t know enough to make an image in my head that feels immediately comfortable. 

But instead of coming to a scrambling stop or an anxious retaliation, I breathe. I anchor myself with everything I already know about my resilience. I tease myself that unexpectedness also means something infinitely more delicious than what I can imagine is possible. I invite myself to let the fog reveal its mystery in its time. 

I have danced with huge globs of uncertainty in the unfolding of this trip and it hasn’t slowed me down one time. Uncertainty has given me the grand opportunity to access my bigger YES at every turn.

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But I’ve worked up to it. I recall very clearly lying in my bed one morning last spring when the plan for this trip was being conceived. The thought of getting an unexpected diagnosis of cancer before the trip – statistically an ongoing possibility – fluttered through my mind and landed like a cold thud. I remember how I felt instantly captive to the idea of a lifelong certainty of the ongoing uncertainty about when or what type of cancer I might get. 

And then I made a decision that had been forming for a few years already. Like a phoenix out of the ashes of bondage, I decided I would live like I’ve already survived. I would make the kind of gutsy decisions that those who have survived the worst, suddenly find effortless. I would live while I’m alive (cue Bon Jovi). I would be grateful for every day and its unexpected gifts. I would choose to dance in the waters of uncertainty as they splash up fresh ways of being fully alive. 

I began to see that the worst kind of diagnosis is living in fear of life’s uncertainties and allow those to write the prescription for my life. 

Try this question on for size: 

What if I just survived ___________ (the illness/pain that strikes the biggest fear in my heart), what am I now free to DO, SEE, and BE while I’m in human form? 

Whatever those first images that form in your mind … how can you begin to make THAT beautiful, scary, unique, perfect thing a reality right now?

Uncertainty. Unexpectedness. Bring it on. It’s what traveling abroad offers in spades. I smile when people say that I am on a trip of a lifetime because I’ve decided that THIS is now my life. Perhaps it won’t always look like a two-month European adventure but I will continue to live in the courage and freedom that life-beyond-fear offers so brilliantly and unexpectedly. 

 

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**Feeling a nudge to discover your YES in a year-long complimentary conversation? Apply at:
http://ritakampen.com/my-year-of-jubilee/

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